A Lot Like Christmas: Twas the Night Before Capitalism

FORECAST PREDICTS FLURRIES OF SUCKAGE!

Plot synopsis:

Did Ayn Rand write this screenplay?

Bargain Bin Laura Linney lives on a Christmas Tree farm where she maintains perfect beachy curls and somehow doesn’t connect her financial instability with running a business that’s only relevant 4 weeks a year.

She meets Soulless Marketing Director of Big Box Store, a suave-coat-wearing Christian Bale knockoff. Spark fly! And he doesn’t tell her who he is, because he’s a creepy horn-dog who wants to woo her! Cue the romantic Christmassy activities (awkward ice skating!) and near-misses with his identity being exposed.

After she discovers who he is, he gaslights his way back into her good graces and asserts that she’s not giving “the real him” a chance, and “friendly” competition would be good for her.

He’s bankrolled by a retail juggernaut; she sells her dead father’s pickup to fund a petting zoo. (When she says, “Extreme measures were taken to pay for it,” my husband quipped, “She joined OnlyFans!” and I still have popcorn lodged in my sinuses.)

“Extreme measures” don’t work out, and she prepares to sell the farm. Weirdly, everyone in town is so ensorcelled by Suave Coat that they blame Beachy Curls for overextending her finances, and urge her to give him a chance because he’s a Great Guy and she’s a spinster.

I know I’m an anticapitalist bitch, but SAY WHAT, NOW?

At the last minute, Suave Coat quits his job (His boss lied! Such disillusion!), buys back Dad’s truck, and does some fairly decent groveling. (Points!) Meanwhile, it occurs to Beachy (because of deus ex machina engaged randos) that hosting weddings would be a clever way to make money 11/12ths of the year.

Moral: capitalism doesn’t kill, stubbornly-not-opening-your-heart-to-sexy-businessmen does.

🎄Acting: 3/10

🎄Holiday Charm: 6/10

🎄Touching Message: 0/10

🎄Yelling at Your TV: 8/10

🎄Adorable Pets: GUYS, OMFG THERE’S A TEACUP PIGLET AND A CHICKEN IN A SWEATER

🎄Adorable Children: extras only, background

🎄Baked Goods: a few

🎄Fake Snow Quality: inconsistent

🎄Where to Watch: Amazon Prime