Christmas Catch: The Christmas thatShould've Been Lefton the Cutting Room Floor

They say about music that if you notice the bass guitar, it’s doing a bad job. Same can be said of a film’s editor—this job should be imperceptible during viewing. My popcorn-stuffed face shouldn’t be screaming “Why is this shot/line/entire scene even HERE?!?”

Which brings us to Santa’s Flaming Garbage-Barge.

Synopsis:

It opens on a stakeout where Awkward Detective Gal is “flirting” to keep a suspect from fleeing. Immediately we know the score: she’s gonna fall for a smexxy criminal! Which she (literally) does in the next scene, tumbling into a dude’s beardy embrace and slobbering over him in a cringey display of insta-love.

Detective Derp is “forced” to date Beardy to extract info about stolen diamonds. Over multiple (boring) dates, he admits to having fallen in with a sketch crowd in his youth (“traumatized by deåd parent” trope) and that his ex-wife was really the diamond thief.

Side note: does the Screenwriters Guild strangle a writer with tinsel garlands and disappear them into a mürder-bog of eggnog if their Christmas-romcom-skinny-white-chick FMC doesn’t have: a) sassy Black bestie, or b) a sassy gay bestie? Detective Derp has… BOTH!

Also: these movies unfailingly cast a washed-up 80s actress as Mom. I always scramble to IMDB to find out she’s Troubled Stripper from an episode of Hill Street Blues.

Shocker: Beardy turns out to be innocent! And points for ONE good plot-twist where it’s revealed (spoiler) the FBI agent is his diamond thief ex. But WOW the editing is abysmal. So many bits that don’t provide relevant plot or character details, tension, or laughs.

My biggest gripe? It wasn’t a “Christmas movie.” It’s an unfunny crime comedy tarted up in Christmas décor. NO holiday activities. No “discovering the true meaning of Christmas.” Nada.

🎄Acting: 0/10

🎄Holiday Charm: 0/10

🎄Touching Message: -3/10

🎄Yelling at Your TV: 6/10

🎄Adorable Pets: 0

🎄Adorable Kids: 0

🎄“Getting Dressed for a Date” Montage Where Sassy Bestie Looks on in Disapproval Because the FMC Has No Fashion Sense: 1

🎄Baked Goods: some sh¡tty breadsticks

🎄Fake snow quality: meh

🎄Where to Watch: Amazon Prime