Season’s Greetings: A (not so) Merry Little Mundanity

We have officially reached the nadir of suck!

Imagine sitting in a restaurant awaiting a delightful meal, only to be served a plastic food model—lacking heat and flavor, indigestible, and made of LIES. Friends, you now have a hearty helping of *Season’s Greetings*.

What you get:

One chirpy blonde Lucille Ball knockoff, writer for a greeting card company. One short, bland Sears catalogue model who’s inherited the company.

It’s Blonde vs. Bland! Ready, set… FIGHT!

No, wait… that would imply tension or chemistry, which there isn’t. It’s also not Christmassy. It tosses in some holiday décor and a few cliché characters/tropes—tragic deåd parents, fruitcake jokes, people who seem to lack nerve endings because they (repeatedly) get things stuck on their faces—but as my husband grumbled, “This isn’t a Christmas Romcom… it’s a ‘December Business Drama.’”

Is there a plot? Sort of. Bland wants to sell the company. His female partner in villainy is (bewilderingly) a severe-hairdo-sporting “nuclear physicist” with an MBA. (Why is a nuclear physicist employed as a consultant for a greeting card company, rather than… oh, I don’t know, working on the Large Hadron Collider at CERN? No clue.)

Nothing in this movie makes sense. To save money perhaps, there are multiple scenes where characters recount plot developments which happened off-camera. It’s pure “tell, not show.”

Flaming garbage-barge movies are fun. This is an empty barge with the scent of garbage. A joyless, laughless, messageless, charmless fever dream.

🎄Acting: 0/10 (including a “bestie” character who chewed scenery with such shrill mania that I had to hit “mute” every time she appeared)

🎄Holiday Charm: wow, NOPE

🎄Touching Message: no message, no narrative cohesion, no point

🎄Yelling at Your TV: it was more of a “silent disdain” vibe

🎄Adorable Animals: a dog who (I’m not kidding) tries to take his own lîƒe by plunging off a building, and a cat with diarrhea

🎄Baked Goods: 1 circus-tent-size fruitcake

🎄Fake Snow: I don’t even remember—it’s all a blur

🎄Where to Watch: please don’t do this to yourself, I beg you